Don't me wrong: Musicians LOVE to be adored and they love to create and perform their music. It's why they go to such great lengths to do what they do. But sadly, even the people closest to musicians tend to have no clue what being a real "musician" is all about. They don't view it as "work", therefore musicians dread being in enemy territory, surrounded by family. They dread...*GASP*... The Holidays!!!

On the flip side: It's not their fault, musicians. Your friend the Environmental Engineer doesn't understand that asking you to sing a song at a party is like you asking him to put down his drink and go test the PH levels in the pool. Or when your friend The Accountant tells you to bring your guitar to the New Years Eve Bash you might as well respond with, "Cool, bring your laptop and Excel spreadsheets — we'll make a work day of it!"

Any attempts to change or educate them will fall more than a few cheeses short of a fondu, so prepare for the inevitable! Follow the all important guidelines below to avoid awkward employment questions and give yourself a much needed REST during the Holiday Season.

You've earned it!

"What if I bring my instrument?"

Uncle Demo's been asking me to bring my guitar to Christmas Eve since the 90's. "Bob, did you bring your guitar?!?" is the only conversation starter he's ever used with me in my life.

Let me tell you what would happen if I ever tried to play guitar on Christmas Eve:

• First 5 minutes: Aunts and Uncles swear at each other, informing one another that I'm about to play "the guitar".

• 5 seconds later: I begin to play "the guitar".

• 10 Seconds later: Performance is interrupted because someone needs help in the kitchen with something.

• Next 5 minutes: Aunts and Uncles engage in a political debate that involves swearing at each other.

    "What if they want me to sing?"

Unfortunately, your vocal chords are an instrument you do not have the luxury of leaving at home, unless you're a robot. You're not a robot...are you...?!?

Assuming you're not from a family of cyborgs with removable vocal chords, if the buzzed up opinion factories known as your extended family members know you can sing, you will be asked to sing.

Some of our favorite excuses to get out of singing at family functions include:

• "I'm not warmed up."
• "I just ate."
• "I'm resting my voice for an upcoming show."
• "I can only sing with Auto-Tune." (best delivered with heaping amounts of self-degradation so the conversation becomes too awkward to continue.)
  

"But, what if they have a piano?"

As a general rule, avoid rooms with sheet music and always run when you hear the word, "caroling". Remember that Twilight Zone episode where the guy goes to the diner to celebrate because he just got a new job and at his table is a fortune teller machine? And he becomes so addicted to reading his fortune that he stays there forever, FOREVER, reading his own fortune until the day that he dies? Do ya?

Well, do ya?! I do, and I know what you're thinking...

• "Where did he keep getting nickels from to use the machine all those years?"
• Wouldn't someone come looking for him?
• What about his wife and kids?!?
• "What does this have to do with playing the piano at a Christmas party?"

Sarcastic answers... to inevitable questions

Q: Why aren't you on the radio?
A: "Obama."

Q: So, what else do you do?
A: "I bid on storage units and make Duck Calls."

Q: Have you worked with anyone famous?
A: "Just Porn Stars. Such Divas..."

Q: Do you know Taylor Swift?
A: "Of course. She's really good at Words With Friends."

Q: Why haven't you tried out for American Idol?
A: "I did..."

Q: What are you going to do when you have kids?
A: "Obama"

"Don't forget about us...

...when you're rich and famous!"

JK! In all seriousness, do what makes you happy this Holiday season, soak in the love, and rest up! 

Happy Holidays From 12SM